Love is way more than just a feeling

Psychologists call it drive, that motivational impulse that makes us feel and do better, with one main goal: spending as much time as possible with the one we are in love with.

You see him, you like him, he likes you back. He smiles at you and you at him – timidly or nervously, it makes no difference. He comes closer and starts chatting with you. You guys decide to go to his place, or yours – again, it makes no difference. Once at home, in a second, you both stare at each other’s eyes, start kissing, take off your clothes, and… boom! You find yourself naked, having the most amazing sex of your life. Surprisingly, he knows what you are craving for and how to give it to you. He knows what you like, although he doesn’t know you at all. It looks and feels like a spell, but it’s real. It’s happening for real, yes, to you, even if you can’t believe it is.

Unexpectedly, the magic continues even after sex. You talk and listen to him, and you just can’t help smiling, not only with your lips but with your eyes, too. He notices that and does the same to you. You touch and caress him, and he hugs you. It’s a hearty and intense hug, one of those hugs that fill and warm you up, momentarily healing all of your wounds. You don’t know him, but you feel at ease, protected, and safe, and his arms feel like home. The home you’ve always dreamed of creating and sharing with someone special.

It’s like your mind is experiencing a Disney porn. There’s passion, sweat, and your heart pumps fast. Finally, you feel it. It’s beating; you’re alive. But there’s more to pleasure and joy. You’re overwhelmed with tenderness, gratitude, and a sweet and kind sensation that fills all of your senses. Sight, smell, taste, hearing, touch merge into a unique dance you’d never want to stop. You feel as happy as those children finding out they got from Santa right what they most wanted for Christmas.

Can such encounters and experiences be enough for you to fall in love? Of course! It’s the beginning of something that will live inside of you for several days, weeks, maybe months. Then it will fade away and turn into something else. Will it last? Will it end? Who knows. Time will tell. In the meantime, let’s talk about what’s going on right now.

In English, we say we fall in love. The truth is, nobody falls anywhere. What we experience when attracted to and in love with someone we barely know, is due to hormones and neurochemicals in our brains (read Love at first sight or oversight? to find out more). There’s no doubt these substances play a significant role, but there’s more to biochemistry. Love does trigger that intrinsic and unavoidable human need to get closer to another human being, physically and emotionally.

Psychologists call it drive, that highly motivational energy that arises from falling in love, that motivates us to live fully instead of just existing to pay the bills. It fills us up with vitality, enthusiasm, dynamism both in our personal and professional lives.

When love is not toxic, that drive is always good and healthy. It turns us into better people; it pushes us to do more and better for ourselves and the others. We become kinder and smile more just by thinking of the one who won our hearts. That recurring need to be close to him is not only physical. It’s emotional and psychological as well, because he makes us feel uncomparably alive. This is why we never stop thinking of him and craving his presence. It seems to add a particular and extraordinary meaning to our lives. And we love that!

Unfortunately, we all know that, sooner or later, things will change somehow. We are old enough to be aware that reality always ends up replacing the magic. What will happen next? We can’t know. Much of our destiny depends on the ideas and beliefs we bear in our minds. One day the spell will break, that’s for sure. Life is not all fun and games, you know, sometimes it sucks.

Nonetheless, your fairytale can continue, as long as you’re aware, responsible, and mature enough. Immature relationships are destined to die young. It’s a pity, though, because love is the most beautiful thing that can happen to you. And you know it.

Alessandro Cozzolino, LGBTQ+ coach

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