Once upon a time, love would last a lifetime. Today there’s room for more than just one love in a lifetime: divorce rates keep rising while marriage drops. Why?
As I said, “once upon a time” couples would stay together forever. Yes, that was back in the Middle Ages, when only the luckiest people would get to turn 45 years of age as plague and starvation would kill you way before. At that time, aged 20 (or even earlier), you would get married and spend the other twenty years making babies and then die, yes, because there was no such thing as divorce.
Today our life expectancy is way higher. We are aware that we can easily fall in love with someone or even hate that person; it only takes a moment. Just like any other thing in the world, love is born, grows, changes, dies, and turns into something else. We all think that people get married because they are in love, but if there’s nothing but love sticking them together, they’ll get divorced once love is gone. I don’t want to scare you, guys. Neither do I want to sound cynical nor pessimistic. I’ll try to explain it more clearly, and I’m sure you’ll understand what I mean.
If it is true that once love would last for a lifetime, today a lifetime lasts for at least a couple of loves. Of course, there will always be those few cases where two soulmates meet, start a relationship, and stick together till death tears them apart. Lucky couples existed in the past, exist today, and always will. It happens to one in a million. What about the remaining 999,999?
Before getting serious with someone, you should know what kind of relationship you have with that person staring back at you in the mirror every day, although there’s no point in asking them this question. Mirrors never speak the truth. What they actually tell us is a lot about ourselves and our relationships with others, particularly our dear and close ones. The more we interact with others, the more we share our existence with our boyfriends or girlfriends, husbands or wives, friends and families, coworkers, and people in general, the more we learn about who we truly are. As long as we are willing to.
We often break up just because our partners (or friends) do not make us happy enough, or at least not as happy as we thought they would make us. Settling with them is not like we imagined it would be. And the idea of spending the rest of our lives with them makes us sick instead of excited. But is it always their fault? Could it be ours, too? Maybe it’s just nobody’s fault. We are unlucky and simply meant to die old maids, scarred, and surrounded by dozens of fat cats.
Internalized homophobia likely has a lot to do with our love/life issues. It’s the scar we, LGBT+ people, need to learn to live with since it might get us in trouble. Serious troubles.
Time does not always heal all of our wounds. That’s why we might need to turn to a professional and get some help. Not any of the many, though. We, The LGBT+ people, need someone who knows there is a considerable difference between straight and non-straight patients’ backgrounds and biographies. Straight people do not go through what non-straight people go through during their childhood and adolescence. Of course, straight people suffer too. But they never have to come out, hide or fake their sexual orientation. Not a single heterosexual person is ever ashamed or scared to be straight. Can we, the LGBT+ people, say the same about our being LGBT+? Try to answer in all honesty.
This is why you might need an LGBT+ therapist, counselor, coach, or simply whoever can show you where you get wrong and why your love relationships never last. This is how you question yourself and learn what you might have been ignoring for too long. It might be too late. It might not. Maybe you still have (a lot of) time. If so, don’t waste it. Start questioning your point of view when it comes to love and relationships.
Think differently, then act accordingly.
Alessandro Cozzolino, LGBT+ coach